12 steps step 9: making amends
Today we look at step 9, but let’s consider it in light of Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Biblical basis for this step? Matt 5:23-24- Jesus is speaking, “Therefore if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift”
Pray: Lord as we consider your word and what you want to reveal to us, please give us hearts to understand and willingness to obey you. May you become greater in us and we become less. As I speak, may what is from you remain and anything less fall away. Amen
Last month Ken spoke about making a list of those we had harmed. If you did this, I’m sure it was no picnic. When I made my first list, there were many tears in recognizing the ways I had harmed those I love and hated. If we stop with step 8 we never gain the powerful freedom and gift that step 9 offers. It takes courage and humility to proceed and today I’d like to encourage you with what God has been showing me about making amends.
Alcoholism, addictions (to drugs, gambling, sex, pornography, food, etc.), sin sickness (like uncontrolled anger, perfectionism, needing to always be in control, habitual lying) -– all of it leads to a break in relationships, with God and those we interact with. We become fragmented emotionally, socially, spiritually. Step 9 begins the process of healing and wholeness, restoring us to community, communion with others.
When we are indulging our particular “shortcoming” there is always some level of self deception coloring how we interact with God and others. The first 8 steps provide a framework for getting honest with God and ourselves. Worked diligently, they make it possible for us to see our true condition, which is the key for restoration and reconciliation with others.
Read- Matt 5: 23-34
I love this about Jesus, he makes it clear that to be His disciple, he expects us move out of “la-la land.” The closer we come to him, laying down our gifts (our lives) at his feet, we get to hear what he has to say to us about reality! As we offer our gifts to him, he brings to our mind someone who has something against us. Someone we have harmed. To be in communion with Him, He offers us the gift of action.
“GO and be reconciled, then come back. GO make amends, make peace, restore where you have done harm, then come back.”
The Godhead, Father, Son and Holy Spirit in themselves, live in perfect communion, community. Jesus wants the same for us. Whether we have been living in isolation from those we have harmed for 1 hour, 1 day, a year or a lifetime, the gift is awaiting your action. Go! And as you make amends, make things right, the door will open and God invites you back into community.
My story (Editor’s Note: for this you have to listen to the on-line sermon, and believe me, it’s worth it!)
How do we go about this practically?
Have you got a written list? For some it will be quite lengthy. If you have no list because of your burning drive to live perfectly, talk to me later, I’m sure I can help you find at least one person you’ve harmed by your need for perfection! Most lists will include both those you can make amends to and those you can’t.
What do amends look like?
Here’s the easy part- Making something right by identifying solid, concrete tangibles: repaying stolen money or goods, making up working hours you skipped out of, paying child support fully and generously, confessing gain you made from cheating and accepting the consequences of your deeds.
Here’s the not so easy part- repairing the harm you’ve caused in relationships by breaking trust, promises not lived up to, letting down those that depended on you, abusing those close to you with your emotions or your body, ruining the reputation of others, using your power or position unethically, or creating a climate of fear in your close relationships.
Maybe you have never done any of these things but maybe you’ve caused harm by omission, neglect or indifference. Ask God to show you.
Jesus sends us to make amends- “GO”, but he also GOES with us and LEADS us to “Come Back”. It’s a package deal- he knows this is beyond us so he provides Himself as our resource!
So with him, for those you can make amends to-
1. Pray over and talk through your list with your support person. Your AA sponsor, Stephen Minister, Pursuing Wholeness facilitor, trusted friend or small group leader. Listen to counsel about when making amends might do more harm than good to the other person. Ask someone to be praying for you as you begin to meet with people on your list.
2. Ask God to clothe you with humility.
3. Start with the easiest person. It will give you confidence to tackle the harder ones.
4. Own your stuff. The things you’ve done to harm that person and the relationship. Repay or restore tangibles. Apologize, ask forgiveness for the harm you know that you have caused.
If it’s about the intangibles, ask if there is more you don’t know that you did or caused. Be willing to consider what the other says. Own it, take responsibility for it or let them know you will need to go and think about it and get back with them.
5. Ask a humble question. “What is there about me that gets in the way of our relationship?” Humbly listen and thank the person for their willingness to share their thoughts
6. Get support afterwards. From God, from your support person. You may need help to sort what you heard. Be grateful for opportunity (no matter how it went) for God to be at work in your life and relationships.
For those you can’t make amends to-
Those who have died or otherwise unavailable, those who are not willing to let you, those who would not be helped by your making amends.
1. Express your sorrow--to yourself, God, and if helpful, another human being.
2. Pray for those you have harmed. If they are no longer alive, release and commend them into the hands of God for his care. His love can cover a multitude of our sins. Ask Jesus for a chance someday to make things right. Pray and ask God’s forgiveness. Receive it from Him. [example?]
3. Serve others to express your new connection to community. When we harm individuals, the whole community suffers. So we can make amends to the community, when we can’t to a specific individuals. Ask God for direction. Come out of your isolation and get involved in serving the poor or needy, as an act of love to the one who has saved you.
He who has been stealing must steal no longer but must work, do something useful with his hands, that he may have something to share with those in need. Eph 4:28
Plum out of ideas? Come monthly to serve the single moms and their kids as a way to express your love for God and what he has done for you.
To serve the single mom’s we need a new stove, the donated used one just quit working. Perhaps your resources would allow you to contribute to getting a new one. Find some way to share with those in need. Let me know if you are interested in participating with the single moms ministry- you are welcome and needed.