Friends:Want 'em, need 'em, how to make 'em
by Ken Wilson

Jeff Fant returned from Ghana. Catching up with Jeff in lobby; how much he learned from being in Africa. Surrounded by crushing poverty, the people he met were rich in relationships. "It's almost impossible for anyone to be lonely there!" said Jeff with wonder in his eyes….and with those profound words touched craving we all have for human connections: Friendship.

New series today: Friends: want 'em, need 'em, how to make 'em.

In ancient world as in developing world today, slim margin for error. Clean water, reliable food source, medicine to fend off disease--all in short supply. Like global poor today, the ancients were vulnerable to the vagaries of climate, temperature, the fickleness of nature.

To cope with life on edge, human connections were key to survival. We're made-designed-adapted for friendship.

So wisdom literature emerged and one of its main themes: promise & pitfalls, art & necessity, of friendship.
Caution in forming friendships advised: A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. (Prov. 12:26)
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered (Prov. 22:24)
Ways to nurture and ruin friendship identified: A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends. (Prov. 16:28)
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. (Prov. 17:9)
The scarcity of faithfulness acknowledged: A poor man is shunned by all his relatives—how much more do his friends avoid him! Though he pursues them with pleading, they are nowhere to be found. (Prov. 19:7)
Book of Job: drama revolving around two of life's connected mysteries: suffering & friendship. Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me? A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty. But my brothers are as undependable as intermittent streams. (Job 6:13-15/
Isn't that a plaintive cry? A man who knows & loves God, despairing of God, saying, "A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though he forsakes fear of the Almighty." That's a high view of friendship.
For all that we don't have in common with the ancient peoples this much we do: the friendship need. While we know better than they how to build cars, cure disease, download favorite ring-tones, they have much to teach us about friendship, if we are smart & humble enough to listen.
Text today is a summary of friendship wisdom in wisdom literature (proverbs, psalms, song of songs, job). Ecc. 6: 5-17
For you Bible scholars, Ecclesiasticus among a handful of writings recognized as part of Biblical canon by Catholics and given a respected though reduced status by Protestants. Value: friendship wisdom here is biblical and concentrated for our use, compared to proverbs which scatters friendship teaching in one liners over many chapters. Also a book that must have moved Jesus (author named Jesus, btw, no relation) as its themes are echoed in his teaching.
"A pleasant voice multiplies friends, and a gracious tongue multiplies courtesies." (5) Just because something's obvious doesn't mean we pay attention. The wisdom literature draws attention to what's hidden from sight in plain view.
Starting point of friendship wisdom: the way to make a friend is to be the kind of friend you want to make. Beginning with your "friendship maker": to the way you talk to people. Talk to people the way you want to be talked to.
"A pleasant voice multiplies friends, and a gracious tongue multiplies courtesies." There's more to it than that, but not less. If you want to make a friend, be the kind of friend you want to make.
BTW, this applies equally to acquaintances and closest kin. In rush & hurry of life we go into functional mode--get-job-done, move-ball-forward speech. Curt, clipped, slightly rushed, slightly harried, slightly hurried, slightly annoyed. People as projects. Obstacles to navigate while I'm busy tending to…..what? What really matters?
"Let those that are at peace with you be many, but let your advisers be one in a thousand." (6) Friendship not a game of "who gets most valentines." Most trusted friend is one in a thousand.
"When you gain a friend, gain him through testing, and do not trust him hastily. " (7) In enthusiasm of youth, we make fast friends over a weekend. Insta-bond friendships. Pouring out our hearts to....what was your name? [Proof in your HS yearbook--the vows to stay in touch]
The art of friendship is like a scuba diver ascending from depths: easy does it. Ascend slowly, pause, repeat, lest you get the bends.
Intensity, chemistry, the thrill of connecting is fun, but real friendship depends on trust, not just a few good times; and trust requires testing, and testing takes time.
"You can't hurry love, O you just have to wait. You have to trust, give it time, not matter how long it takes" (Supremes)
Guard your heart, don't just give it in friendship. Time is the crucial commodity. You have to take it, and it comes out slowly, at it's own pace, not yours. [no matter how long it--time--takes]
For there is a friend who is such at his own convenience, but will not stand by you in your day of trouble. And there is a friend who changes into an enemy, and will disclose a quarrel to your disgrace. And there is a friend who is a table companion, but will not stand by you in your day of trouble.11. In prosperity he will make himself your equal, and be bold with your servants; but if you are brought low he will turn against you, and will hide himself from your presence. (8-12)
Why test? Because There are more ways for friendship to go bad than to go better. Like Paul Simon says, "50 ways to lose your lover"
In parable of sower, Jesus says same. Three classes of soil look promising but don't deliver. Some seed falls along path, but birds come and eat it. Other seed falls on rocky soil where there is quick germination, but sun withers for lack of soil depth. Other seed falls on soil with thorns, competing interests, and again, a great start but competing interests choke out the growth.
A parable of the kingdom, based on his experience making disciples, fellow pilgrims, friends. Many ways to lose your lover. Many ways for starter friends not to grow into lasting friends. Three kinds of soil that fail to bear fruit; only one kind that bears it.

Making friends isn't easy. Maybe you're new to town and feeling it acutely. What's wrong with me, I have so few friends? It's not you …. it's just not easy. Three parts failure/one part success, that's the friend making ratio that Jesus experienced.
Same ratio in Ecc: 3 to 1. One set of starter friends, fade when you're facing trouble, because they don't have the stomach to face it with you. Second set of starter friends, turns on you; have a disagreement, maybe even work it out, but they tell others and make you look bad. Third set of starter friends are hungry for your friendship table, but they get full fast and move on.
So…."Keep yourself far from your enemies, and be on guard [cautious] toward your friends [the starter friends who are still untested by time.]" (13)
A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter: he that has found one has found a treasure. There is nothing so precious as a faithful friend. A faithful friend is an elixir of life; and those who fear the Lord will find him. (14-16)
Three powerful metaphors. A sturdy shelter: Not just a shelter, a study shelter that can weather the storms.
A treasure: something to value, guard, appreciate (because you know it doesn't come easy).
An elixir of life: honey & lemon & Southern Comfort that goes right down to your insides and works its magic from within.
What's the quality to look for? Stimulating conversationalist? Cool to be with? Someone whose attention confers instant status on you? Looking for those things is like buying a car because you like the cup-holders.
A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter: he that has found one has found a treasure. There is nothing so precious as a faithful friend. A faithful friend is an elixir of life; and those who fear the Lord will find him. (14-16)
HESED: stead---fast---love---and---faith---full---ness
Re---li---a----bil---i---ty
Slow Fizz Love
Long Haul, Hill Climbing, Oil Changing Every 3, 000 miles Love
Lord! we don't need another mountain,
There are mountains and hillsides enough to climb,
There are oceans and rivers enough to cross,
Enough to last 'til the end of time.

What the world needs now,
Is love, sweet love,
It's the only thing that there's just too little of.

And the love we need isn't cup-holder love,
isn't bells & whistles love,
isn't razzle-dazzle love,
isn't Madison avenue, sound bite, pop up, grab me in 30 seconds love
It's HESED: STEAD--FAST--LOVE--AND--FAITH--FULL--NESS
It's SIGN UP THEN SHOW UP LOVE
It's I'LL BE THERE AND HERE I AM AGAIN LOVE
It's COME EARLY TO SET UP, LEAVE LATE TO CLEAN UP LOVE
It's WRITE OUT THE CHECK, SIGN IT, SEAL IT, DELIVER IT, AND MAKE SURE THERE'S MONEY IN THE ACCOUNT TO CASH IT LOVE
It's BROWN PAPER BAG, DAY AFTER DAY LOVE
IT MAY NOT GLITTER, IT MAY NOT GLISTEN, BUT JUST LIKE THE SUN EVERY MORNING SOMEWHERE, IT SHINES!
Wow. A friend. Let me tell you about my friend, Rick.
+ serving together, many dissimilarities
+ men's group: place to share your stuff with, not circulate
+ living next door, borrowing things (me, not him), moves…..
+ in span of 18 months, three parents die in respective homes....
+ weathered big changes in early 1990's, kept in touch…
+ took a class together (spiritual direction)
+ "Ken, you've known me a long time. If there's something you think I'm blind to, that if I could just see it, I'd be more my true self in the image of God, what would that be? Think about, and then tell me."
+ Low point: Pfizer closing, staff meeting prayer for laborers! Immediately after, this email from Rick, a lifelong Catholic, a Polish Catholic no less, still active in his parish: "I'd like to get together and talk sometime about how I might be of use with your work at Vineyard."

"Whoever fears the Lord directs his friendship aright, for as he is, so is his neighbor also. " (17)
Fearing the Lord is a much underappreciated thing. Fear not being our favorite spirituality word.
But "fear" is the least we owe God. The starting point.
We may not be able to offer him high & lofty things. But we can all be aware of our smallness before God. We can all be aware of the great distance between the glory of our being & glory of His. That everything we have of worth we have by gift from him. We are not co-equal to God. We are derivative.
So true friendship begins with this fundamental orientation of the heart to God: Whoever fears the Lord directs his friendship aright, for as he is, so is his neighbor also.
Once our hearts are set on this bearing, on road to becoming the kind of people who can be the kind of friends we want to make.
I consider myself blessed in friendship department. You might think it's easy being a pastor. But it's not because you owe a lot of your heart to a lot of people being a pastor.
And many pastors I know struggle making friends.
These are the creaturely patterns I stumbled into having set my heart to fear the Lord, that looking made all the difference:
1. Married man with kids, work, and school to contend with, I decided to serve God as I could, beyond those things.
So I volunteered to serve. And met other people who volunteered to serve. Lucky break! Duh! The kind of people who volunteer to serve are often the people who want to bust out of self-absorbed lives…the kind of people who make good friends!
Through service, I met people I wouldn't have otherwise, and some of them, looking back, became lifelong friends.
2. As a young man who realized I was living above my station, responsibilities I couldn't fulfill without help, I looked for a little help from my friends.
I jumped at opportunity to be part of a men's group set up to make it easy for guys to share what was going on in their lives.
Men in our culture don't do that easily. Maybe too many men gassed in WW1. Then too many men traumatized in WW2, Korea, Vietnam, Jim Crow days. Too many men with too much pain to talk about! Keeping it all to themselves so as not to burden others who couldn't understand anyway.
And so too many in our generation growing up not even aware it's an option to share common burdens with other men.
That first mens group, where it wasn't just my sports-talk, my issues of the day talk, my Mac or PC talk, but my soul talk: talk of the things in my life that challenge and form and shape my soul…
O man, when I heard that talk from other men and began to make that talk with other men, it was like water falling on thirsty ground making it's way to dried out roots.
3. Then when I found myself in a time of trouble, talking to a friend came to me as the natural thing to do.
And that may have saved my marriage.
And that has absolutely saved my sanity.
And that has without question made me a better father.

Now it's an instinct. In trouble? Talk to a friend.
Taking that initiative almost always deepens friendship. You find out who the go-to people are. And they consider you one.
It's positive feedback loop. But it begins with the orientation of your heart to God. When you get off your high horse to fear the Lord, to recognize his God-ness and your creatureliness, his highness, your lowliness. That helps you become kind of friend you want to make.
Tasting friendship with a friend or two--even just a friend or two!--fills you with deepest satisfaction. Realize what treasure is buried in that field. And it feeds whatever it is inside you, that more than anything, wants to be….a friend to God.