Friends: Want 'em, need 'em, how to make 'em.
Jesus Brand Friendship Wisdom
by Ken Wilson
Today: how Jesus went about making friends. Because that's exactly what was going on in those gospels. Jesus read and Jesus embodied the deep wisdom concerning friendship in the wisdom literature.
FRIENDSHIP TRAVELS ALONG PRE-EXISTING NETWORKS
John 1: 36-48
First responders to Jesus were introduced by John-Baptist, someone they already knew & trusted. John-Baptist knew Jesus because John's mother, Elizabeth was a relative of Mary, mother of Jesus.
The only way toward the unknown is from the known.
Simon Peter knew Andrew who introduced him to Jesus. Nathanael knew Phillip who knew Jesus, so Nathanael got connected. Jesus depended on the references of existing friends to make new ones..
It's not what you know, but who you know. Friendship--even friendship with God--travels along the path of pre-existing relational networks. [Stands to reason, God himself within himself is a relational network: Father, Son, Holy Spirit]
[This is the reason making friends on the Internet can be risky. It's hard to check references on the Internet.]
A FRIEND IS SOMEONE WHO SEES SOMETHING IN YOU
Jesus befriended Simon & Nathanael by seeing something in them.
"Simon, despite your hot-head reputation, I see a sturdiness in you. You're someone to build on....Nathanael, even though you look down your nose at my hometown, underneath that big city snobbery, I see a man in whom there is no guile."
A friend is someone who sees something in you. A great friend is someone who can see beyond your smokescreens to the real you.
Tell your friends what you see in them so that what you see in them is fanned into flame.
It takes a friend to see the best in us, so we can let it out more often!
A FRIEND IS SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT WHERE YOU'RE FROM
"Rabbi, where are you staying?" (First thing first responder ever said to Jesus.) "Come and see" said Jesus. Come and see my life.
Jesus then took his new friends to what was serving as his home base, possibly Capernaum, where he lived for a time, it's thought. We know they met his mother at wedding in Cana. We know Peter took Jesus to his home in Caper-naum to meet his wife & mother-in-law. Yes, his mother-in-law.
Part of friendship is letting people know where you're from. If you're friends with someone, pay attention to their family. Ask about their loved ones. Care about the people they care about. Pray for ones they worry about. "Bear each others burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ."
TRUE FRIENDSHIP IS AN EASY DOES IT PROPOSITION
Jesus didn't start with "Come and die for me." He started with "Come and see." So they spent the day. Easy does it.
Be careful of those who make premature demands on your heart. Insta-bonders who want to walk before crawling, run before walking.
Jesus didn't give his heart willy-nilly just because people were big fans. "Now while he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Festival, many people saw the signs he was performing and believed in his name. But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all people. He did not need human testimony about them, for he knew what was in them. (Jn. 2: 23-25)
Just because someone thinks you're the best thing since Pong doesn't mean you give them your heart. Jesus didn't.
True friendship is built on trust, and trust requires testing, and testing takes time.
DON'T SELL YOUR SOUL FOR THE SAKE OF KEEPING A FRIEND
As Jesus rolls out his self-understanding in John 6, many of the influential leaders don't like what they hear, which makes the new disciples nervous. But Jesus doesn't back down.
On hearing it, many of his disciples said, "This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?" Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, "Does this offend you? What if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit[a] and they are life. Yet there are some of you who do not believe." For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. He went on to say, "This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled him." From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. "You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve. (Jn 6: 60-67)
Jesus doesn't spin his identity and calling to keep his friends happy. He knows this is a test. And he's interested in having tested friends, not fair-weather ones.
Don't look for friends who can't handle the real you. You won't find your true friends if you're afraid of losing the ones you have.
In fact…
YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOUR TRUE FRIENDS ARE UNTIL ALL THE LIFEBOATS ARE LOWERED AND YOU SEE WHO'S LEFT
Have you ever been through a season like that, when people you thought were friends just evaporate? When the wind blows away the chaff, that's when you discover the wheat.
FRIENDSHIP MAKING IS RISKY BUSINESS
Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." Then Jesus replied, "Have I not chosen you, the Twelve? Yet one of you is a devil!" (He meant Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, who, though one of the Twelve, was later to betray him.) Jn. 6: 68-71
Despite the most careful due diligence in making friends, there is still a rough & tumble quality to friendship. Jesus felt it. People that he brought into his confidence sometimes disappointed him.
The risk of friendship-making didn't keep him from making friends. Jesus had his last supper with one friend who was about to turn him into the authorities, and another, who despite protests of loyalty, would deny him when the chips were down.
You can't open your heart to the love that heals without also making it vulnerable to the love that hurts.
The only risk-free life is the one that's over.
TRUE FRIENDS ARE NOT THREATENED BY CLOSER ONES
Think about Peter at the last supper. (see John 13: 23-25) Peter is sitting next to or across from John, who is sitting next to Jesus. Leaning back against Jesus. John, who thought of himself as "the beloved disciple." And he was.
Peter had to be OK with that. Nine of the twelve friends of Jesus had to be OK with the fact that he took only three of the twelve up to the mountain where he lit up with divine light.
True friends aren't threatened by other friends. Friendship is not a competition. Anyone who treats it like it is doesn't understand what it is.
FRIENDS WORK IT OUT see John 21: 1-3
There's a wonderful scene at the end of John's gospel. Disciples out fishing, probably trying not to let morose Peter get them all down. Because Peter was upset with himself for being such a weakling when Jesus was going through his ordeal. Denying his master to save his own skin. Even the risen Lord couldn't get Peter out of his funk.
Then Jesus appears on shore: "Friends, haven't you any fish?" (see John 21: 4-5) Well try over there. Which they do, and of course their nets can't contain the haul of fish. (see John 21: 6)
John says to Peter, "Peter, it's the Lord!" And Peter decides to jump out of his own skin, so to speak, out of the boat of his own self-loathing, so to speak, and swim to shore. (See John 21: 7-9)
Which signaled to Jesus that Peter was ready to work things out with Jesus about "the situation." The thing they hadn't yet talked about because it was too painful. (Maybe to both of them?)
So they have breakfast (see John 21: 10-13) all of them together.
The friends. That's what Jesus called them now. "I don't call you servants anymore, I call you friends." (Remember he said that to Peter even knowing Peter was going to disappoint him….)
After breakfast, Jesus and Peter go off to talk. The other friends are learning a lesson. Jesus is the kind of friend who's willing to work things out when painful things disrupt a friendship. (See Jn 21: 15-17)
True friends are not the friends who never let each other down. They are the ones willing to work it out. Willing to take the friendship into the shop for repairs instead of treating it as disposable at first sign of trouble.
TRUE FRIENDS KNOW WHEN TO HOLD ON AND WHEN TO LET GO
In gospel of John, a couple of poignant scenes, where dear friends who have held on through thick & thin, are called to let go. Not to let go of their friendship, but to let go of their friend.
In John 14, before the big ordeal, Jesus said, "I'm leaving for a while, going to the Father…." And then later he added, "where you can see me no longer (John 14: 28, 16: 10b")
Sometimes to hold on to the friendship,
you have to let go of the friend.
Mary in garden got the same message: let go. (see Jn 20:17) She was outside empty tomb early in morning, weeping, seeing a figure she mistook for gardener, but it was the Lord. She fell at his feet and put him in a fierce embrace. And he said, "let go."
Sometimes to hold on to the friendship,
you have to let go of the friend.
You have to trust that not every parting is the end of every friendship.
FRIENDS MAKE ROOM FOR MORE FRIENDS
Our hunger for friendship is so ravenous it can consume itself. We care so much for what we've got we hog it to ourselves. We protect the friendship we've got from the others who don't yet have any.
"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. (Jn 17: 20-24
The first friends of Jesus were all Jewish. But Jesus, being a friend of sinners, wanted to bring in the Gentiles too. But this was painful, because it meant their little Jewish messianic movement had to become something more.
And it wasn't easy. There was much pain involved in the transition.
Back in 1994 we had a great little church. A bunch of 30 something, well educated people, with school age kids. In love with Jesus and each other. But Jesus was in love with more than just a bunch of well educated people with young families. He started giving us his heart for the least, last, lost.
And we had to let go of the Jesus we had, to make room for the Jesus who was coming to us in the least, the last and the lost.
So now we have a much more diverse mix.
And I'm liking the mix we have.
But Jesus is one ambitious Savior isn't he?
In order to hold on to him who made room for us,
we have to make room for the outsider-others.
I wonder who they will be?
Will we have the good sense to make room for them?
Time will tell.