Friends: Want 'em, Need 'em, How to Make 'em.
The Third Party in Every Friendship
by Ken Wilson

So much of faith is about seeing your everyday life from a new angle.
A simple shift in perspective makes a world of difference.
In fact, it's the beginning of making a different world.

"Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking….don't be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."  Ro. 12: 1-2, Message, TNIV

There is a mystery running through the Bible designed to provoke such a shift, a life-altering shift: 1 + 1 does not always equal 2.
God is the third party in every friendship, every human connection.

In contract law, a promise by one party to another may benefit a third party not named in contract. Sometimes 3rd party has right to sue for damages if contract is broken: "intended 3rd party beneficiary" God is third party beneficiary in every friendship.

DIVINE 3rd PARTY: Wherever there are 2, always a 3rd

"And they [the man and the woman] heard the sound of the Lord God walking about in the garden in the evening breeze…" (Gen. 3: 8)

Don't rush past that language: "they heard the sound of God in the evening breeze"; their perception of God was heart-driven.

Being an invisible presence, God is perceived by the eyes of the heart.  The faculty of heart that perceives God's invisible presence is faith.  
"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" (Heb. 11: 1)

That same day two of them were walking to the village Emmaus, about seven miles out of Jerusalem. They were deep in conversation, going over all these things that had happened. In the middle of their talk and questions, Jesus came up and walked along with them. But they were not able to recognize who he was. (Luke 24: 13-16)

If the eyes of your heart are closed, it's easy to miss God.

"When two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I'll be there." (Mt. 18: 24)

"One person could be overpowered. But two people can stand up for themselves.  And a rope made out of three cords isn't easily broken."  (Ecc. 4:12)

God, the third party in every human connection. 
Sometimes we recognize him; sometimes we don't; our job is to look.

How do we live our lives looking?

1. Shine the spotlight of prayer on every friendship.
Letter to Phillipians follows pattern of an ancient "friendship letter"

1. Address and greeting. (1: 1-2)
2. Prayer for the recipients.  (1: 3-11)
3. Reassurance about the sender. (1: 12-26)
4. Request for reassurance about the recipients (1:27-2:18)
5. Information about movements of intermediaries (2:19-30)
6. Exchange of greetings with third parties (4:21-22)
7. Closing wish for health (4:23)

I thank my God every time I remember you.  In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partner-ship in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart… God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus. And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight….(Phillipians 1: 3-11)

Paul isn't so much praying here as he is reporting to his friends a perspective he practiced when he prayed for them.  

Prayer is a way of carrying your friends in your heart.
Prayer for your friends shapes your heart toward them.
Prayer involves choices: what do you focus on when praying?
Paul, who had to endure so much inter-personal conflict as a leader in the church, drawing constant criticism, who had to deal with all the messes, chose to focus on something else in prayer:

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.  (Phillipians 4: 6-9)
Paul bathed his heart in gratitude, in remembrance of the best, not the worst in people; meditated on image & likeness of God in others.

This didn't mean he was blind to their faults.  There was a part of his heart, the part he prayed with that chose to look beyond the faults.

(How do you think God looks at us?  Isn't God's mercy, isn't his grace, the willingness on God's part to cover a multitude of sins?)

[Me to Nancy after I manifested yet again one my annoying traits: "Think of my good points!"  She smiled, because, after 36 years of marriage we both realized that we count on that from each other]

The friend who believes the best about you
is the one who will draw the best out of you.

This kind of prayer benefits our brains: "don't fret or worry; instead, pray…meditating on things true, noble, authentic"

Worry, mulling over negative outcomes releases stress hormone cortisol in your brain, which strengthens the neural circuits of fear.

Prayer focused on the good releases different brain chemicals,  strengthens the neural circuits that convey peace, love, joy….

 

 

2. Expect God to extend himself thru you to your friends.

Saw an old friend last week. Phil & I haven't been able to keep up with each other.

Phil said, "I remember when you came to hospital when Debbie was in ICU with a brain tumor and we didn't know if we would lose her."

I had forgotten, though not about Debbie, because when Phil said this to me, Debbie was standing right in front me, many years later.

Then it came back, dragging myself out to hospital, wondering what I would say to Phil who was living through every parent's nightmare.  Not wanting to be in his nightmare, but there anyway. Not saying much of anything because there wasn't anything to be said.

All of this flashes through my memory as Phil recalled that night.
And then, remembering that night, Phil said one word: "Immanuel"

Why "Immanuel"?  Because "Immanuel" means "God with us."   He was saying, that's what your  sitting in the waiting room with me  meant to me.  It meant "God was with me that night."  Through you.

How did I feel that night? Full of God? Full of Answers?
No. I felt inept. But Phil felt God.

Have you ever felt God extend himself through one of your friends?  They go out of their way for you; or listen like nobody's business; speak a word of encouragement, offer a needed reality check (It's time to break up with that high maintenance boyfriend!)

I don't know what kind of friend Paul would've made in person.  He had a strong personality. But one thing about the man: he had faith.  And he expected God to shine through people….. 

"Dear friends! ….become…children of God without fault in this crooked and perverse generation in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life" (Phillipians 2: 12, 14-16)

Something Paul didn't have was a self-esteem problem. He expected God to shine through him: "Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me, put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." (Phillipians 4:9)

Relationships are the circuits God travels along to extend himself. To shine, bear his presence. Relationship within the Trinity is the oxygen consumed but never used up by the fire of God!

God is looking for any excuse to extend himself to others.
Maybe you are God's excuse to shine…

3. Keep a soft spot in your heart for those who haven't figured out God-connection.

There are people who put up a good front, pretending to have no
interest in the existence of God.  People who seem on the surface about as spiritually-minded as the post office. 

But most people understand that one day wey will exhale a final breath, and the question of God's existence or non-existence will
seem anything but moot.

Most people would love to believe.
They just have a hard time finding the path.
Those who do, do so through someone already on it.

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. (Col. 4:6)

We live in a time when fairly or not, people are on the lookout for those who try to force-feed religion. 

This can intimidate those of on the Jesus path into hiding or being embarrassed by our faith. We need to get over that.

You don't need to wear God on your sleeve. You just have to decide not to hide him.  Not to put your faith under a bushel.

Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out.

Use terms that don't raise defenses. Some tense up when they hear "God," "Jesus" "personal relationship w. Christ" [Awkward Turtle!]

Try something else: "My faith is seeing me thru some tough times." 

We don't get extra credit for making it hard for people to open their hearts. 

Assume prayer is common ground with everyone. Most people pray whether or not they believe. People appreciate knowing you're pray-ing for them in tough times. "I'll keep you in my prayers for that." 

Share the good things your church is doing for people.

If you're helping out in Single Moms Ministry, or 313 or Friday Night, Tuesday Night, or Sunday Afternoon Homeless Outreach, don't be shy about telling your friends at work.

Serving in CM or YM? People worry about kids. Know they need a spiritual framework. Don't know how to empower kids with one.
Share your experiences with them.  

In fact, don't be shy about inviting them to pitch in. The first disciples helped Jesus repair world before they confessed him as  Messiah.

Adopting a single mom family for Christmas? Don't keep blessing of giving to yourself!  Invite a friend, co-worker, or family member to join you.  The gospel can be learned by doing as well as by hearing. 

People care about environment, but feel overwhelmed, don't  know where to start. We have a message from God: Start Somewhere!

Give away some reusable shopping bags [the EARTH--a sacred trust] to those who care about the environment and need to know that Jesus brand faith empowers concern for the earth.

T-giving, 6 adults who don't attend church….all care about environment…. showed them off, gave them away…

Later in evening conversation turned to politics. Presidential politics. Abortion. Not usually the topic for a grace filled conversation. Mix of pro-life, pro-choice views in living room…...

Nancy shared her concern that U.S. provides least legal protection for unborn life along with North Korea, China, Vietnam. That was shaping her view of how to vote…. 

I chimed in from different angle: fastest way to reduce the rate of abortions  would be to make health care available to all, because economic concerns drove many women to have abortions. 

Room didn't get all bristly.  People with different political leanings  were having a grace-filled conversation.

We are supposed to be people who add Grace to the conversation. We're supposed to be the ones with the salt shakers. Be gracious in your speech. Let your speech be seasoned with salt.  The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out. 

Grace opens up conversation.
Grace doesn't assume the worst and then converse.
Grace looks for the best and God does the rest!

Environmental scientists not known for pro-life views. Does that mean those with pro-life views should ignore concerns about environment?

Grace says, look for common ground, don't have your eye peeled for the worst in the other. 

As I've learned to care about becoming a better steward from scientists, able to share some candid perspectives with scientists…..

[Sex selection abortions in China-India leading to population imbalance; biologists understand nature is about maintaining a delicate balance; anything that upsets balance is violence against nature. Why not speak out, as scientists, against this practice?]

Grace works wonders! 

Grace opens up a conversation.
Conversation opens up relationship.
God travels along relational circuits.